So we basically have three different levels at the moment.
-Hand
-Spoon/Spatula/Brush
-Belt
Cal wants to eventually get a paddle and possibly a cane (the cane freaks me out a bit) and to have 5 different levels.
Anyway, yesterday I fell into another round of not doing anything. Including feeding myself. We had a midwife appointment and I learned that I'd actually lost 4 pounds. They said it was fine as long as I was getting 3 square meals a day, which I'm not, so all in all Cal was pretty pissed. And to top it off I wasn't in any mood to have a domestic discipline relationship yesterday so I kept arguing against it. By the time it was due I had worked my way up the belt. Which let me just say is worse than the others. I can still feel it today. I had maybe 30 on each side, not full force. Even with the intensity I found myself craving more...I really want to be broken down I think, I know that's not a possibility right now, but that doesn't mean the craving isn't there, just the same as the craving to drink and occasionally to smoke(although I've quit and am never going back) and to eat sushi and ride roller coasters. I'm still me after all.
I just want to stop wondering if it's just me wanting it to be more of a punishment or if I've spent so much time entrenched in this longing that it will never actually work as discipline in the real sense. It will certainly always turn me on. We were able to have sex yesterday afterwards for the first time in a few weeks and it just felt....AMAZING! I need constant sex. I become very difficult without being taken at least once a week.
I am feeling more obedient today...I've been working on docs for our mortgage all morning, and I'm about to start on the boxing, (after this quick blog break of course).
I'm suprised at how bold and honest I'm getting on this thing. So far Cal hasn't read it but it is kind of busting with thoughts I haven't shared with him, so it will be interesting whenever he does finally take a look. I've been very purposefully trying to draw attention away from it, I use safari for all of my....searches and kink related affairs, and we mainly use firefox. All for now, I've been trying to spread out my thoughts on this thing so I don't burn out. Second part of that story to come soon.
Showing posts with label domestic discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label domestic discipline. Show all posts
20 October 2011
16 October 2011
My Weekend So Far...
This weekend things came to a bit of a head. My biggest issue in basically the whole time we been trying to start this up has been the "strength" of the spanking. I was having a hard time telling whether or not it's because the reality just isn't living up to the fantasy, or if it's because I have an untrained HoH...Well, now I'm positive that it's just his experience.
Confession...I've been really unsupportive of the fact that he's working so much. He's not even working all day on the weekends. I just like waking up next to him. Not only have I been keeping the house in a terrible state but I've been pretty unacceptably lazy for over the last two years. And I'm not working. I haven't been cooking or cleaning with regularity, and it's out of control. And the spankings haven't really helped so far. It's really engrained in me.
So I ended up picking an argument at the worst time, right before bed when he had to wake up in 6 hours. He'd had hit. He ripped into me about everything that was going on. And started talking about how spanking just didn't seem to be working. I said that I knew I needed to work harder and I really didn't want to give it up on domestic discipline yet. And he got really soft(that dangerous soft) and replied that he hadn't said anything about stopping, and that it was just obvious that he was going to have to up the severity until it actually worked. And then he gave me the hardest hand spanking I've ever had. His hand really felt like wood. I felt it the next morning, which is a first.
Now because of time constraints we still haven't gotten to do a full fledged spanking "session" yet but he's definitely becoming more efficient at quickies. And I've also realized that I push instantly, as hard as I can. Especially if something isn't the way I expected it to be. It's a strange conundrum. I want to be more submissive and "not in" control, but only when it suits me? Well that is NOT how this is going to work.
Writing this made me feel pretty guilty so I'm going to start on cleaning and see how much I can get done before he gets home...
Confession...I've been really unsupportive of the fact that he's working so much. He's not even working all day on the weekends. I just like waking up next to him. Not only have I been keeping the house in a terrible state but I've been pretty unacceptably lazy for over the last two years. And I'm not working. I haven't been cooking or cleaning with regularity, and it's out of control. And the spankings haven't really helped so far. It's really engrained in me.
So I ended up picking an argument at the worst time, right before bed when he had to wake up in 6 hours. He'd had hit. He ripped into me about everything that was going on. And started talking about how spanking just didn't seem to be working. I said that I knew I needed to work harder and I really didn't want to give it up on domestic discipline yet. And he got really soft(that dangerous soft) and replied that he hadn't said anything about stopping, and that it was just obvious that he was going to have to up the severity until it actually worked. And then he gave me the hardest hand spanking I've ever had. His hand really felt like wood. I felt it the next morning, which is a first.
Now because of time constraints we still haven't gotten to do a full fledged spanking "session" yet but he's definitely becoming more efficient at quickies. And I've also realized that I push instantly, as hard as I can. Especially if something isn't the way I expected it to be. It's a strange conundrum. I want to be more submissive and "not in" control, but only when it suits me? Well that is NOT how this is going to work.
Writing this made me feel pretty guilty so I'm going to start on cleaning and see how much I can get done before he gets home...
14 October 2011
Results
Well I procrastinated through the nap and then dd woke up cranky and hungry, which was when I realized that I had gotten no food, and so I had to run to the market. At which point I was very close to Cal's arrival home. I called to see when he was coming, the conversation went something like this:
Me: Hey babe, just checking on your arrival estimate?
Cal: As soon as I can, I feel like crap..
Me:NO!
Cal:Excuse me?
Me:I just...I...I procrastinated, and now I have to take dd to get lunch and I haven't done ANYTHING!
Cal:Well then you know what's gonna happen
Me:Can't I have til 4-
Cal:No, no negotiating, I'll see you when I get home
This really motivated me. I ran to the market, came back, started frantically cleaning and had everything fixed by the time he was home, at least adequately so. Really didn't take me very long either, so it's silly that I fought it so much.
So we've been doing this for 2 weeks, and so far this is a pattern with me. I've been skirting really big punishments, and then behaving generally badly the rest of the night. So I end up with more mild spankings. Although it is obviously hard to make time for a full blown punishment spanking in a small apartment with dd.
Me: Hey babe, just checking on your arrival estimate?
Cal: As soon as I can, I feel like crap..
Me:NO!
Cal:Excuse me?
Me:I just...I...I procrastinated, and now I have to take dd to get lunch and I haven't done ANYTHING!
Cal:Well then you know what's gonna happen
Me:Can't I have til 4-
Cal:No, no negotiating, I'll see you when I get home
This really motivated me. I ran to the market, came back, started frantically cleaning and had everything fixed by the time he was home, at least adequately so. Really didn't take me very long either, so it's silly that I fought it so much.
So we've been doing this for 2 weeks, and so far this is a pattern with me. I've been skirting really big punishments, and then behaving generally badly the rest of the night. So I end up with more mild spankings. Although it is obviously hard to make time for a full blown punishment spanking in a small apartment with dd.
13 October 2011
A long time coming Part Two
So we married and moved in with his parents, basically picking up our live where he had left his at 19. And...it...was....terrible. Just awful. I suddenly found myself married, yet living like a teenager. All the things I'd loved about him while we were traveling and dating, I hated in marriage. I realized that dd was something that I just couldn't live without. I could put it out of my mind for periods of a time but it always came back, insistently. It crept into the corner of my mind and suddenly I'd be reading stories everyday, thinking about it constantly. Worse I was treating my husband terribly. I started pushing him at every turn. Talking down to him all the time, badgering him into submission during all our arguments(which I started over nothing) and generally making us both miserable. We loved each other, and our relationship never went into real jeopardy, but it certainly wasn't what I'd hoped for, and I did storm out a number of times.
About 6 months in, I finally told him I wanted a more "traditional" relationship, and my real feelings about spanking began to come out. It was very slow though, and he wasn't really quite ready to pick up the reigns. He would in moments, but there was not consistency. We moved back to America after our second year of marriage, and I became pregnant with our firsthild. He practically changed overnight. We both cleaned up our acts and settled into married life. We tried introducing dd again but as I became more and more pregnant it slipped away. After the birth of our daughter, spanking didn't even enter my mind for a few months. When it finally did, we began again but it has never stayed consistent.
WHICH
brings us to now. I'm currently in the early second trimester of my second pregnancy, and we are once again working on finally making my fantasy a reality. Although I'm not foolish enough to believe they will match up perfectly, not to say I don't wish it did sometimes. And so I'm starting this blog, to share my journey, my expectations, disappointments, and hopefully growth.
Hmmm, I have to get the little girl down for a nap and I haven't cleaned the house at all. Cal is due home between 3 and 4. It's almost 1 now...I should have time...we'll see.
About 6 months in, I finally told him I wanted a more "traditional" relationship, and my real feelings about spanking began to come out. It was very slow though, and he wasn't really quite ready to pick up the reigns. He would in moments, but there was not consistency. We moved back to America after our second year of marriage, and I became pregnant with our firsthild. He practically changed overnight. We both cleaned up our acts and settled into married life. We tried introducing dd again but as I became more and more pregnant it slipped away. After the birth of our daughter, spanking didn't even enter my mind for a few months. When it finally did, we began again but it has never stayed consistent.
WHICH
brings us to now. I'm currently in the early second trimester of my second pregnancy, and we are once again working on finally making my fantasy a reality. Although I'm not foolish enough to believe they will match up perfectly, not to say I don't wish it did sometimes. And so I'm starting this blog, to share my journey, my expectations, disappointments, and hopefully growth.
Hmmm, I have to get the little girl down for a nap and I haven't cleaned the house at all. Cal is due home between 3 and 4. It's almost 1 now...I should have time...we'll see.
A long time coming (Part One)
As I sit and write this I am currently procrastinating on housework. I'm going for that last minute burst of energy hopefully I'll do enough to save my butt.
So it's been two weeks since my husband and I started our latest dd efforts. But I feel like the best way to start this thing is with a little background, I promise I'll write interesting perspective pieces after this stuff is all out of the way.
Spanking as well as domestic discipline has been a part of my inner mind since the awakening of my sexuality. The word spanking has excited me for as long as I remember, and the word spanking has fascinated me since I first looked it up in a dictionary sometime before the age of ten. During my teens, I spent anytime I could on the computer soaking up stories and other information I was too young for. While other teens dreamed of backstreet boys, I fantasized about strong dominant men who would take me over their knee when I needed it. I dreamed of the day when I turned 18 and could finally start looking for someone with the same interest. Of course I was a little nervous when the time actually came, and so I put it off and delved into university. At the end of my freshman year I met the love of my life, my now husband, we'll call him Cal. He was only 19 himself, and had dropped out of school to travel (he's originally from Oz).
We got along amazingly, but he was the skinny boy that most teenagers would go for, not the alpha male of my dreams. Regardless, I found myself more and more enthralled with him, and we ended up remaining together from the moment we left, even though a lot of that time was spent long distance figuring out how to be together in real life.
Now it took me about a year to tell Cal about my interest in spanking, and even when I did I could only bring myself to mention it in a sexual foreplay way. So for the first 3 years almost of our being together, the most I could hope for was a smack during sex or playfully. He didn't seem overly judgmental or anything, I'd just spent so much time with this secret, that actually telling anyone about it was almost impossible. Plus we did everything together. Cursed together, smoked pot together, generally had all our immature teenage experiences together.
After I graduated we decided to get married and live in Australia. I was 21 at the time. I had a lot of moments where I wondered if I'd be okay without spanking or dd in my life, and I'd decided I would. Boy was I wrong.
So it's been two weeks since my husband and I started our latest dd efforts. But I feel like the best way to start this thing is with a little background, I promise I'll write interesting perspective pieces after this stuff is all out of the way.
Spanking as well as domestic discipline has been a part of my inner mind since the awakening of my sexuality. The word spanking has excited me for as long as I remember, and the word spanking has fascinated me since I first looked it up in a dictionary sometime before the age of ten. During my teens, I spent anytime I could on the computer soaking up stories and other information I was too young for. While other teens dreamed of backstreet boys, I fantasized about strong dominant men who would take me over their knee when I needed it. I dreamed of the day when I turned 18 and could finally start looking for someone with the same interest. Of course I was a little nervous when the time actually came, and so I put it off and delved into university. At the end of my freshman year I met the love of my life, my now husband, we'll call him Cal. He was only 19 himself, and had dropped out of school to travel (he's originally from Oz).
We got along amazingly, but he was the skinny boy that most teenagers would go for, not the alpha male of my dreams. Regardless, I found myself more and more enthralled with him, and we ended up remaining together from the moment we left, even though a lot of that time was spent long distance figuring out how to be together in real life.
Now it took me about a year to tell Cal about my interest in spanking, and even when I did I could only bring myself to mention it in a sexual foreplay way. So for the first 3 years almost of our being together, the most I could hope for was a smack during sex or playfully. He didn't seem overly judgmental or anything, I'd just spent so much time with this secret, that actually telling anyone about it was almost impossible. Plus we did everything together. Cursed together, smoked pot together, generally had all our immature teenage experiences together.
After I graduated we decided to get married and live in Australia. I was 21 at the time. I had a lot of moments where I wondered if I'd be okay without spanking or dd in my life, and I'd decided I would. Boy was I wrong.
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