First REAL Spanking

Thought I should write about this first thing while the afterglow is still there. Dear daughter is sleeping right now and Cal, who had just started reading this blog, thought it would be a perfect time for a real spanking session. We've had them before but not this round and I have a pretty intense amnesia in regards to spanking. At the moment though, all my doubts about spanking not being a good motivator for me are gone. I didn't cry, but it was by far the most severe of the last few weeks, and let me know that I have limits, and that Cal can push me well past them if my behavior requires it. This wasn't for any particular wrong doing, just to let me know we aren't taking breaks from ttwd anymore. The spanking was bare, over his knee (I missed this position SO much) with his hand and our wooden ladel intermittently. While I can usually stay pretty quiet, with this one I was screaming into a pillow pretty much the whole time. I just could not keep quiet! That ladel sucks big monkey balls! I didn't think it did but I didn't realize he had been using it gently :/. My ass is still aching. After the spanking came some of the best sex I've ever had(which is saying alot cause Cal and I have a pretty great sex life. I just feel secure, inside and out. I have no doubts now that he is up to the job and will be our HOH when I want him too, and when I don't.

The Belt

So we basically have three different levels at the moment.

-Hand
-Spoon/Spatula/Brush
-Belt

Cal wants to eventually get a paddle and possibly a cane (the cane freaks me out a bit) and to have 5 different levels.

Anyway, yesterday I fell into another round of not doing anything. Including feeding myself. We had a midwife appointment and I learned that I'd actually lost 4 pounds. They said it was fine as long as I was getting 3 square meals a day, which I'm not, so all in all Cal was pretty pissed. And to top it off I wasn't in any mood to have a domestic discipline relationship yesterday so I kept arguing against it. By the time it was due I had worked my way up the belt. Which let me just say is worse than the others. I can still feel it today. I had maybe 30 on each side, not full force. Even with the intensity I found myself craving more...I really want to be broken down I think, I know that's not a possibility right now, but that doesn't mean the craving isn't there, just the same as the craving to drink and occasionally to smoke(although I've quit and am never going back) and to eat sushi and ride roller coasters. I'm still me after all.

I just want to stop wondering if it's just me wanting it to be more of a punishment or if I've spent so much time entrenched in this longing that it will never actually work as discipline in the real sense. It will certainly always turn me on. We were able to have sex yesterday afterwards for the first time in a few weeks and it just felt....AMAZING! I need constant sex. I become very difficult without being taken at least once a week.

I am feeling more obedient today...I've been working on docs for our mortgage all morning, and I'm about to start on the boxing, (after this quick blog break of course).

I'm suprised at how bold and honest I'm getting on this thing. So far Cal hasn't read it but it is kind of busting with thoughts I haven't shared with him, so it will be interesting whenever he does finally take a look. I've been very purposefully trying to draw attention away from it, I use safari for all of my....searches and kink related affairs, and we mainly use firefox. All for now, I've been trying to spread out my thoughts on this thing so I don't burn out. Second part of that story to come soon.