The Belt

So we basically have three different levels at the moment.

-Hand
-Spoon/Spatula/Brush
-Belt

Cal wants to eventually get a paddle and possibly a cane (the cane freaks me out a bit) and to have 5 different levels.

Anyway, yesterday I fell into another round of not doing anything. Including feeding myself. We had a midwife appointment and I learned that I'd actually lost 4 pounds. They said it was fine as long as I was getting 3 square meals a day, which I'm not, so all in all Cal was pretty pissed. And to top it off I wasn't in any mood to have a domestic discipline relationship yesterday so I kept arguing against it. By the time it was due I had worked my way up the belt. Which let me just say is worse than the others. I can still feel it today. I had maybe 30 on each side, not full force. Even with the intensity I found myself craving more...I really want to be broken down I think, I know that's not a possibility right now, but that doesn't mean the craving isn't there, just the same as the craving to drink and occasionally to smoke(although I've quit and am never going back) and to eat sushi and ride roller coasters. I'm still me after all.

I just want to stop wondering if it's just me wanting it to be more of a punishment or if I've spent so much time entrenched in this longing that it will never actually work as discipline in the real sense. It will certainly always turn me on. We were able to have sex yesterday afterwards for the first time in a few weeks and it just felt....AMAZING! I need constant sex. I become very difficult without being taken at least once a week.

I am feeling more obedient today...I've been working on docs for our mortgage all morning, and I'm about to start on the boxing, (after this quick blog break of course).

I'm suprised at how bold and honest I'm getting on this thing. So far Cal hasn't read it but it is kind of busting with thoughts I haven't shared with him, so it will be interesting whenever he does finally take a look. I've been very purposefully trying to draw attention away from it, I use safari for all of my....searches and kink related affairs, and we mainly use firefox. All for now, I've been trying to spread out my thoughts on this thing so I don't burn out. Second part of that story to come soon.

A long time coming Part Two

So we married and moved in with his parents, basically picking up our live where he had left his at 19. And...it...was....terrible. Just awful. I suddenly found myself married, yet living like a teenager. All the things I'd loved about him while we were traveling and dating, I hated in marriage. I realized that dd was something that I just couldn't live without. I could put it out of my mind for periods of a time but it always came back, insistently. It crept into the corner of my mind and suddenly I'd be reading stories everyday, thinking about it constantly. Worse I was treating my husband terribly. I started pushing him at every turn. Talking down to him all the time, badgering him into submission during all our arguments(which I started over nothing) and generally making us both miserable. We loved each other, and our relationship never went into real jeopardy, but it certainly wasn't what I'd hoped for, and I did storm out a number of times.

About 6 months in, I finally told him I wanted a more "traditional" relationship, and my real feelings about spanking began to come out. It was very slow though, and he wasn't really quite ready to pick up the reigns. He would in moments, but there was not consistency. We moved back to America after our second year of marriage, and I became pregnant with our firsthild. He practically changed overnight. We both cleaned up our acts and settled into married life. We tried introducing dd again but as I became more and more pregnant it slipped away. After the birth of our daughter, spanking didn't even enter my mind for a few months. When it finally did, we began again but it has never stayed consistent.

WHICH


 brings us to now. I'm currently in the early second trimester of my second pregnancy, and we are once again working on finally making my fantasy a reality. Although I'm not foolish enough to believe they will match up perfectly, not to say I don't wish it did sometimes. And so I'm starting this blog, to share my journey, my expectations, disappointments, and hopefully growth.

Hmmm, I have to get the little girl down for a nap and I haven't cleaned the house at all. Cal is due home between 3 and 4. It's almost 1 now...I should have time...we'll see.