07 November 2011

The Dowel

So as I mentioned, last weekend we were due to have a visitor, (great seeing him, but I immediately took advantage of the situation and I've been paying for it all week). We had both realized that it was not enough time to pick much less buy an actual cane, and realized that we had zero quiet instruments. Then Cal gets a "brilliant" idea in his head, which he neglects to tell me about, (he mentioned stopping by home depot, which or course I didn't think much of). When we get there, he wanders off and comes back with these mean looking sticks...he says they're dowels..they look like this:

They come in various sizes and various types of wood. We went with oak and...I don't remember the other type...Anyway the oak is working terribly well. And it cost maybe $2 all up. The unknown(by me) wood type broke during our practice "session" but the oak has lasted all week, and on the fourth day of my week long punishment for falling so far out of line this week, my ass is begining to bruise, and I'm having dreams about destroying the evil thing....

Great tester for those who are unsure if they want to delve into the cane or not. I've read a number of complaints from spankers that the cane does not give enough feedback, as in they can't sense the strength as much, but many come to love it after they master the art. Cal has come to appreciate it for its quiet demeanor and quick behavior modification. He hasn't been smacking me full strength, going more for quick steady smacks all over, concentrating mostly on the sit spot. 

02 November 2011

What is an Effective DD Spanking

I'm going to preface this article by saying that I do intend to edit it, as I didn't really put enough time into it, but I will be leaving it up until I have the time, hopefully that will be sometime this week, although since we are moving, who knows...

What qualifies as an effective spanking? Is it one in which the ass is left bruised? Or burning red? Is it about strength, or number of strokes? Does the spankee have to be in tears? Beyond tears? How does a spanker know what is enough and what isn't?

There are many articles dedicated to this, all containing personal preferences. But I have found them all interesting to read, (although I have not showed any to Cal as of yet, for fear he might decide to give them all a try...I've decided he doesn't need anymore information on the subject ;). But for those of you who are thinking of implementing dd into your lives, or already have but are unsure if the severity is where it needs to be, here are some tips from articles I've found in my searches:

Number of Strokes

 "One Way to Give a Hard Spanking". This article suggests the use of a counted number of strokes:

A hard spanking might consist of the following:
  • 40 strokes with a light paddle, ruler or kitchen spatula, 20 over the panties, 20 on the bare bottom
  • 40 strokes with a rattan cane
  • 20 strokes with a carbon fibre or nylon cane or riding crop
  • 40 strokes with a bath brush or heavy paddle, the last twenty given extra hard.
I think where the difficulty lies within the article is "just what is a HARD stroke?" A woman might have to go to her full force, while a man might do serious damage using full force. And it could be about the spankee's reaction, but that can be hard to gauge when you haven't been doing ttwd with your partner for very long. However, there is something to be said for simply counting number of strokes. It gives both you and possibly the spankee(especially if they have to count) something to focus on. I don't think I've ever had a spanking with so many strokes, but then again, I still haven't experienced the can or a riding crop. Although the bath brush is MEAN!

Learn to use your Hand Effectively

The "Spanking Primer" by Josh, found in the library section of Bethany's Woodshed. This article promotes that all dd spankings be on the bare:

The bottom is always bare for this kind of activity. There are a variety of reasons for this. You need to see the effects it's having on her bottom and that only shows on bare skin. It's also more intimate and for some reason, seems to be interpreted in terms of; "He really means business here!"

But what I found most useful in the article was subject of hand spanking:

If you really want to give spanking a fair trial though, the first thing you need to do is stop thinking of your hand as a paddle. Think of it as something more flexible, such as a switch or strap and use it accordingly. Relax your hand and hold it out in front of you and look at it. You'll notice that the fingers naturally splay out with a fraction of an inch of space between them. Keep it relaxed and try it out on your own thigh a few times letting the wrist snap and swinging more from the elbow than the shoulder and unless you're the exception, you'll see the difference immediately. It will sting your thigh more than it does your hand.
The motion is more like flicking debris off your trousers then trying to connect with a fast ball, except that it's almost straight down. I say almost, because it's more of a circular motion that involves pulling your hand back on contact and letting it rebound with the natural resilience of your target.
That may sound complicated, but it's really simple and once you get the hang of it, you can give a longer, stingier spanking without as much bruising for her and less damage to your hand. The reason for that, is that you'll be striking with the more protected part of your hand instead of your knuckles.
Inefficient use of a hand during spanking, is something I've heard about a lot in various forums. Not only can a spanker injure themselves,(and a hand injury is a lot more serious and lasting than a sore bottom) the spankee may find that a hand spanking is quite bearable since some smacks are landing much harder than others so there is a chance for them to catch their breath. But when used correctly, nothing is quite as thrilling/intimidating as knowing he has an efficient implement with him at all times....
Learning to Read the Spankee
The best article I've found for this is from the Taken in Hand website, "A Beginners' guide to Spanking".
The author of this article is against counting strokes or minutes at a certain impact and states:
The man needs to be less concerned with textbook numbers and more concerned with the state of mind of his wife. He also needs to be concerned with the physical effects, but the most important aspect is the psychological. Is she still defiant? Has he been sufficiently thorough? Is she now crying freely and clinging to him? Does it seem as though she can't take any more?
Does she seem not to have been much affected yet? Does that seem likely given what he has done, or could it be that something has gone wrong, and that she is unable to show how it is affecting her? If he asks her to rate honestly what he has done so far on a range of 1 to 10 where 10 would be on the unbearable end (the ‘enough!’ end), and 1 would be barely feeling it, how does she respond? 
The article also goes on to describe different things which might effect the spanking, including the temperature. One passage in particular, I felt really spoke to my experience of spanking:
Some men over-estimate what a woman can take; more men underestimate what is needed. What is needed depends so much on the individual woman that it is a good idea to talk about this if possible. Some women prefer lighter, less injurious spankings often, but many seem to crave a really thorough spanking less often but on a regular basis. The man needs to know which kind of woman his wife is.
Many women complain that their husbands are not thorough enough. They actually want the man to continue way beyond what the man thinks is enough. They want him to continue even when they are screaming for him to stop and seem to be thinking that he is a monster. They want him to continue through that, and even to keep going after she has given up the fight. They feel somehow cheated when the man stops the moment she has given up the fight, or the moment she starts crying, or the moment she seems peaceful. They want more, even when they don't seem to need any more. (Think of another intimate situation in which a woman often has to tell an inexperienced man to keep going and not to stop what he is doing. It is like that only more so, whether she is saying “Don't stop! Don't stop!” or not.)

I certainly never feel like this during the actual spanking, but afterwards there is sometimes a lingering feeling. Cal is getting very good at recognizing this, but it has taken a while.

The Final Six

This idea I ran into while checking out the ttwd forum. They also have a post on effective spankings. It seems many of the members use something we will call "The Final Six" to gauge whether the spanking has been effective. This is where the spanker asks the spankee if they are ready for their "final six" and gauges the spankees response. For instance, the spankee might still be displaying attitude or not seem sincere, in which case the spanking would continue. It also gives the spankee a chance to admit they haven't had enough without outright saying it. It can be a final six, a "have you had enough" "are you learning your lesson" basically just a verbal cue.

The problem with this for me is that I am a trained actor. I literally have a degree in theater, and I know what to say and how to sound sincere, although I have noticed that a few moments after the spanking, I drop out of the submissive act, if it's not sincere. Either I"m going to have to tell Cal this, or start admitting that even though it stings something terrible, I'm not quite done. 

Let me just end by saying I really think all these article are worth a read, and that I only took short passages, so there is a lot more information to be gleaned from all of them. There are a number of other articles on the subject, some I agree with more than others. But for information's sake...


There you have it, all the information I've gathered on effective spankings, enjoy!

25 October 2011

The different types of Domestic Discipline

When Cal and I tried to do research on domestic discipline to facilitate communications about what exact type of  domestic discipline we wanted. I know each relationship is going to have its own unique set of rules and standards, decided amongst the couple, but there is no denying that in this large virtual meeting place we call the Internet contains a plethora of information on the subject. And that sometimes we find articles that really resonate with us, while others seem so foreign we would never term them dd. There are of course several different recognized "categories" of dd, and I thought I would do a review and a little bit of an exploration into each of them.

1950's Household 

The 1950's Household is a harkening back to a different time when the roles of the household were more defined and divorce rates were lower. The husbands generally worked to support the family and the wives kept the house in order and had dinner on the table when their husbands came home. In addition there is an element of "proper attire" as both men and women kept up appearances more rigidly in those days.
While I haven't been able to find many websites or articles dedicated to 1950's Household domestic discipline precisely, I do think the idea is a fairly easy one to grasp, especially when there is a lot of public nostalgia for the time. There is also one "tribe" dedicated to the subject. Here is an short article written by the group moderator on being a good 1950's wife.

In terms of domestic discipline, the idea of taking your wife over your knee was a lot more accepted, and was even displayed in ads and tv. One of the most famous examples of this is the show I Love Lucy. In several episodes, Lucy's antics result in her being taken over Ricki's knee.

How prevalent was actual domestic discipline in 1950's households? No one really knows for sure, but as the paragraph above explains it is about a good deal more than the discipline. Although traditionally the head of a 1950's household was male, the ideals can work on any variant. One thing is for sure, this particular brand of domestic discipline certainly had the largest amount of readily searchable photos...

Taken in Hand

I don't think I could do a better job than the taken in hand website itself when it comes to describing the ideals of the movement:

An overview of Taken In Hand

A Taken In Hand relationship is a wholehearted sexually exclusive marriage in which, to the delight of both spouses, the man actively controls the woman. The degree of control and the way the husband retains control vary from Taken In Hand couple to Taken In Hand couple, but in all cases both husband and wife actively want the husband to have the upper hand. No matter how strong, tough and forceful a Taken In Hand wife may be, and no matter how hard she might try to take control in their marriage, she would be aghast if her husband were to let her get the upper hand. Likewise, no matter how loving, kind and considerate the husband may be, he prefers to keep his wife firmly in hand.

I feel like I should also point out that while many people who participate on the site practice domestic discipline and many practicers of domestic discipline believe in at least some of the ideals of the Taken in Hand overview, the creator of the website does not consider it domestic discipline.
 I wanted to create a new kind of site – not a standard relationship site on which it is completely taken for granted that to have a good relationship, husband and wife must be equal and seen to be equal (whether they like it or not) – and on the other hand, not a standard traditional site on which it is taken for granted that the wife should submit to her husband – but also not a BDSM / D/s / SM sex site (which all leave me personally completely cold, if not queasy). I wanted my site to be free of the cliquey language, embarrassing rituals and modes of address and the surprisingly narrow thinking one finds on D/s and BDSM sites, and as a non-spanko, I wanted a site that would also not be a DD site. I wanted this to be a site on which no one would be accused of ‘topping from the bottom’ or of being insufficiently submissive. I wanted the site to foster non-stereotypical, evolving, exciting unlabelled relationships in which the spouses do not feel trapped in ill-fitting role boxes.

There are certainly some controversial articles on the taken in hand website. Not the least of which is one entitled "When rape is a gift". I'm not going to describe the article, I don't necessarily disagree with the actual idea of the article, but I don't think "rape" is the right word at all.

Christian Domestic Discipline

Christian Domestic Discipline is the enactment of traditional roles as ascribed in the bible.

  • The husband is the head of the household, whilst the wife is submissive to her husband as if the Lord Himself was her husband. See Eph. 5:22-24.
  • The husband is to love his wife as himself, and as Christ loved the church. He is to be a servant, and leads by example. He is to lay down his life for her. See Eph. 5:25-29.
  • The wife is to reverence her husband. She is to obey him, so long as his instructions are not in opposition to God's commands. See Titus 2:5, Acts 5:29.
There are a number of websites other than one linked with the title (see above) dedicated to christian domestic discipline, and it is a very popular blog label. http://lovedandspankedwife.wordpress.com/

This is another one that I can't really find a specific website defining specific ideals too, although it is a very popular blog label. I believe it is the idea of domestic discipline based first and foremost on the foundation of "love", as opposed to traditional roles or biblical themes. A mutual decision made by both parties to have one take the lead in things and the other to be punished for mutually agreed upon things. Within this type of relationship it seems more common for the couple to have "contracts" upon which punishment is based.

This Thing We Do

This thing we do is a forum(linked above) as well as a term used by many who don't like the feel of the other names listed here.  

There are a lot of things we could call it. Domestic discipline is one name. Rules or structure is another. Whatever it is, it works for some people. I am an adult woman, a feminist, and dedicated to principles of nonviolence. I do not believe that any of this is incompatible with the fact that I have asked my partner to help me with creating rules and structure in my life, nor that the consequence of my failure to adhere to the rules and structure is often a spanking.
I do not believe that my relationship has been ordained by any higher power, nor that I need this structure because I am a woman. I do not believe that discipline requires a heterosexual partnership.
I believe that discipline in my relationship is consistent with healthy adult functioning. I believe that, far from hindering my process of healing from childhood abuse, discipline and structure can be a healing force. I believe that power exchange is not solely erotic.
I trust my own perceptions of what is and is not working, and I trust my partner's perceptions of the same. 

The forum isn't exactly abuzz with activity but it can be very useful and it is a good place for those looking for a rather dry(not overtly sexual) discussion of discipline spankings. There is a pretty heavy F/M presence as well, which makes sense to me as the only other term which really defines F/M relationships is Femdom which seems a bit harsher than DD. F/F is also represented. Basically it is a category for those who don't wish to be categorized. 

So, after all this, I'm left with the question....Which category most closely resembles us? Well I think as many others probably find, we prefer the simple term domestic discipline for our relationship. This is because we find aspects in many of the different categories applicable, but none of them wholey so.  

1950's Household

I really like the idea of a 1950's household, and when I'm staying at home with the children it is my ideal to fill that role. Yes, I am terrible at it , but I AM working on it and I hope to become much more efficient in time. I also like the idea of maintaining appearances, but we don't really have the money to invest in ourselves at the moment. I think the big difference it that I will be working once all our kids go off to school. In this "economy"(although I really hate saying that), it seems unfair to leave the financial burden all on him, and I think having a part time job that funds activities and vacations is a good idea. 

Taken in Hand                                                                                                                                                                I generally agree but as a spanko i would never term myself as taken in hand. 

Christian Domestic Discipline
Not religious at all, even a little bit. Not against it, just completely inapplicable to our relationship

Loving Domestic Discipline
Agree with the ideals(as I perceived them), but I feel like the "loving" part comes across as just a bit judgemental as though other categories of dd aren't also based on "love".

Although I find some aspects of bdsm erotic, I have never been into "slave" and "master" roles, piercing, whips, and in general a lot of the aspects of a bdsm lifestyle. I like the idea of light bondage, I like the idea of nipple pinching during sex, I like the erotic aspects of some pain. I'm not at all hardcore about my erotic pain. It is easy for me to separate the feeling of "punishment" versus "erotic" spanking. However we do usually have sex after a punishment session, and I am always pretty turned on...I don't know how to describe it, but it is different.

I don't enjoy a punishment spanking while it's happening. I think what I find erotic is having him assert his dominance and I LOVE it when he reinforces it sexually right afterwards. I know some people think sex and dd should have nothing to do with each other...but that's their thing. I'm a grown woman. I don't think of spanking as a kid thing, never have. Never ever wanted a spanking from an adult when I was a child. I hate roleplay. I have always thought of spanking as an adult consensual thing. And I have ALWAYS found it erotic. Not that I have anything against roleplay by the way, in case that seemed harsh, sincerely, when it comes to sex and relationships, to each their own.

In conclusion, yeah, I think I'll stick with the term ttwd. 

24 October 2011

Picking a Cane

So, Cal read my quiet instrument article, and wants to get a cane. While I feel a bit reluctant to pick out my own, I much prefer it to the idea of him picking one. He's more of a buy the first thing I find so I can stop shopping kind of a guy. And so I have begun my research into the best cane to purchase. I've mostly been looking at CANE-IAC as they have a really wide selection of canes of all different makes for pretty good prices. We are going to be having some house guests and taking some trips in the next few months, and while our original plan was to journal everything with a count of strokes and delay punishment until after the trip, Cal has pointed out that with my tendency to be very bad around company, and his new found strictness, I might find myself in an all day punishment situation! So I am pretty motivated to come up with a quite solution.

These are "School House Canes" and come in sets ranging from 2-5 finished or 15 "raw" which are described as "single use". Two 28' schoolhouse canes cost $10.99, and these are definetly what I was originally leaning towards, as they have that more oldschool feel. They're very bendy, but I'm guessing that they come in twos because they are also pretty breakable. There is also a video at the bottom which instructs you to clean the cane after each use, put oil on it to keep it flexible, to use a rubber band to keep the handle shape during storage, and to store flat and out of sun and heat. Seems like a lot of work to me, but as I've said before I'm kind of a sloth. Although rituals are quite kinkily attractive to me...

Another cane I'm thinking about is called the "Tearjerker". It's made of Delrin, a thermoplastic polymer, which apparently feels like rubber. It is described as basically unbreakable, and comes in at $16.99, so it is the most expensive one I'm considering. It's also definetly more remeniscent of a modern dungeon than an old schoolhouse. Similarly to the schoolhouse rattan, it is very flexible. Although, I'm starting to wonder why exactly I keep thinking of that as a good thing....I mean, I'm pretty sure it's because I like that "swish" sound in clips I've seen, but that really seems like a terrible reason to pick something out that will be swished against my backside. But maybe it will be nicer than a thick one, I mean it is "littler", right? The name "Tearjerker" isn't exactly a confidence builder.

Last up is the 16 inch lexan cane, which is made of a polycarbonate. The one I'm contemplating is the littlest guy, as I am partial to over the knee spankings, but the cane will probably be a serious offense instrument, so I don't know that otk will be appropriate. Although, it would also be easy to pack and travel with, so there is that to consider. Its price tag is $14.99.

So there you have it, I am deciding between these three....well...more likely Cal will read this and pick his favorite. Either way I will let you know which we choose and do a review once it's been used, assuming I can sit...